Today is Christmas day. Usually this is my favourite day of the year. I love Christmas!! I come from a family that loves Christmas! It's such a happy magical time filled with family and love. This year, though, my heart is so tender. The first Christmas without my Momma is tough. Grief is a baffling thing. One minute my heart is breaking for missing my Mom. But the next, I can look at my girl and be happy and share her excitement and joy for the holiday. Grief is the ultimate roller coaster of emotions.
What I wouldn't give to share one more Christmas with my Mom. To hear her laugh and see her smile when she watched the kids. She loved Christmas and more than that she loved every single one of us unconditionally forever and always. But, that one Christmas wish is one that can never be granted and it hurts more than I can truly say.
It's funny - I know other people have lost loved ones and are missing them this year but I still think grief is such a lonely solitary battle. We each feel it in our own way and we each probably feel like our pain is like no other's. This is not something I would ever want to share with anyone but I am so thankful that my fabulous crazy family is right there with me. Together we are stronger and it is in them that I find my strength.
So, even though Momma won't be there to hug us and talk and laugh with us, I know she will be there loving us. Tomorrow as I head home to celebrate with most of my family, she will be with us. I will hold her in my heart and I will hug everyone a little tighter and smile a little wider at the kids' antics and I will be so incredibly thankful for each and every one of them. Tomorrow I will not allow my heart to be sad for what I am missing but instead I will let it fill with happiness for all that I do have.